MOVIE OF THE WEEK (8/3/12): TOTAL RECALL

 "Watch out everyone - this window isn't shatterproof like the guy at Home Depot told me it was!!" Douglas Quaid (Colin Farrell), in a scene from director Len Wiseman's re-envisioning of the 1990s hit sci-fi action thriller TOTAL RECALL. Credit: Michael Gibson © 2012 Columbia Pictures Industries, Inc. All Rights Reserved. 

KEY CAST MEMBERS: Colin Farrell, Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel, Bryan Cranston, Bokeem Woodbine, about 5 minutes of John Cho and Bill Nighy
WRITER(S): Kurt Whimmer and Mark Bomback (screenplay); Ronald Shushett, Dan O'Bannon, John Povill and Kurt Whimmer (screen story); Philip K. Dick (short story, "We Can Remember It For You Wholesale") DIRECTOR: Len Wiseman WEB SITE: http://www.welcometorecall.com/?hs308=TOR6186 THE PLOT: Don't call it a remake! A new take on the Philip K. Dick short story "We Can Remember It For You Wholesale," the 2012 version of Total Recall stars Colin Farrell as Douglas Quaid, a factory worker who literally dreams of a different life. Problem is, his memories are a bit troubling as he has visions of a woman that isn't his EMT wife (Kate Beckinsale). Not only that, his dreams find him shooting guns and running for his life ... Despite this, Douglas tries to just live his normal existence, hanging out with his co-worker Harry (Bokeem Woodbine) after hours. That's when he sees a commercial for a place – Rekall – that changes his life (or should that be his mind?) forever. In case you really have no idea what happens next, Quaid finds himself on the the run for real after his visit to Rekall. Soon thereafter, he learns his wife isn't who he thinks she is and that the woman in his dreams (Jessica Biel) is a rebel helping the underground resistance led by Matthias (Bill Nighy). You see, Earth, due to chemical warfare has been split into two major countries – The larger, richer (and overpopulated) British Federation controlled by Chancellor Cohaagen (Bryan Cranston) and the smaller "Colony" where Douglas lives. But even as he has trouble deciphering what's real from what's not, Douglas knows one thing: Whoever he is might just determine the fate of the world as we all know it.  THE TAKE: Cinematically speaking, there are a few movies each year that upon their discovery, they spark a common reaction – "What the hell were they thinking when they approved this?!" – among critics and/or the general public alike. In 2012, some movies sparking that reaction (The Amazing Spider-Man) were proven to be unfounded while others (John Carter,  Battleship anyone?) pretty much met the low expectations many had for them. Also on that list prior to its release was Total Recall and now, on the verge of the film's release, many people are wondering whether or nor that reaction was justified. Well, to those people I say this: Not only does Total Recall meet all of the low expectations anyone who saw an enjoyed the 1990 version, it exceeds them by being one of the most boring, lack-of-personality or thrills-having sci-fi action movies in recent memory. Remember how the original Total Recall was fun, kitschy, comical and action packed with just enough intelligence speckled into it to hold it all together? Regardless of whether the answer to that question is "yes" or "no," you're going to have a rough go of things watching the 2012 version – because it is devoid of any of those things.  Farrell lacks a strong enough screen presence to make you care about anything his Douglas Quaid is doing, leading to the dreaded "I'm watching this for the sake of wondering how they're going to wrap this all up, not because I really care what happens to the characters" syndrome. It might not be so bad if the film's myriad of writers/script doctors who collectively produced a script littered with such insights as Be careful – Ok" and witty one-liners like "Did you think I would leave without a goodbye kiss?" (If you can figure out who uttered that latter gem, I fear you've watched the movie and this review has reached you too late.) Kate Beckinsale is so over-the-top as the now-you-hear-it, now-you-don't villain that at one point in the movie, I actually thought I heard her say this; sadly, even as big as a Jessica Biel apologist as I am, her interactions with Farrell's character are so high school-like that I kept waiting for this to happen. But don't worry, ladies - Bryan Cranston may be The Man on Breaking Bad, but the apparently encouraged over-the-top 80s style villiany just results in a lot of bad breaks for his ridiculous Chancellor. Ultimately, this hot mess of an action movie falls on the (hopefully broad) shoulders of director Len Wiseman (who is also Beckinsale's husband, which might explain her character's MUCH expanded role in this version). In creating this version of Recall, he has plenty of shooting, plenty of running and plenty of explosions ... None of which lead to anything resembling a memorable experience. You don't care about these characters because everything is laid out so predictably that even if you have zero experience with either version of the film or Dick's short story, you can tell what's happening three scenes before it does. In trying to create some serious version of Recall, Wiseman has sucked all the life of Dick's story – and that may be the greatest crime of all the many of which it is guilty. Throw in what feels like "heroes and villains" acting and dialogue for beginners and you get a film that's nowhere near good enough to be well, good and yet not bad enough to be memorably offensive. Recall just ... Exists – and none of us are better off for it. For if this is a sign of where Hollywood is going, maybe it could use a trip to Rekall to erase any ideas it might have about "re-envisioning" movies that were fine in the first place. PARTING SHOT: If Rekall were a real place, I'd make an appointment to get back the 121 minutes of my life I spent watching this movie ... Unless you don't value your own personal memory banks, you can watch Total Recall and see why that is for yourself ... RATING (OUT OF FOUR BUCKETS OF POPCORN):