MOVIE OF THE WEEK #2 (5/18/12): BATTLESHIP
"Quit making Transformers and Independence Day in the water jokes or else we'll REALLY start blowing stuff up!" Alien invaders make their deadly presence known against earth's naval forces in a scene form BATTLESHIP. Credit: ILM/Universal Pictures © 2012 Universal Pictures. All Rights Reserved.
WRITER(S): Jon and Erich Hoeber (screenplay); Hasbro (you know, the company that created the board game this movie is based)
DIRECTOR: Peter Berg
WEB SITE: http://www.battleshipmovie.com/
THE PLOT: Based on the famous (or could that now be infamous) Hasbro board game of the same name, Battleship stars the former John Carter, Taylor Kitsch, as Alex Hopper. Your classic screw-up with tons of potential for greatness, Alex is a lieutenant in the U.S. Navy, where his brother Stone – yes, Stone (Alexander Skarsgård) – is a well-respected commander of the USS Sampson.
That would be fine if Sam (Mrs. Andy Roddick herself, model-turned-actress Brooklyn Decker), a physical therapist currently helping wounded soldiers, were dating Stone. But she’s not. She’s dating Alex, which means if he wants to ask for her hand in marriage, he’s going to have to eventually muster up the courage to talk to her dad, Admiral Shane (Liam Neeson). And of course, Shane just so happens to be the man who has the ability to determine whether or not Alex will still be in the Navy if he keeps screwing up.
Alex does have a chance to prove he’s worthy of both staying in the Navy and Sam’s love at RIMPAC – the Rim of the Pacific Exercise – the world’s largest international maritime exercise. There’s just one little complication …
You see, back in the mid-2000s, scientists discovered a planet very similar to earth – “Planet-G” – that looked as if it could sustain life and water. Thus, they sent out a signal via a base in Hawaii to see if anyone was out there, even though Cal Zapata (Hamish Linklater) has a feeling if there is anyone out there, the result could be like “Cowboys vs. the Native Americans … And we’re the Native Americans.”
Guess what? He was right.
Now, Alex, Stone, Shane, Nogrady – as well as Chief Petty Officer Walter “The Beast” Lynch (John Tui), Petty Officer Cora “Weps” Raikes (Rihanna), Japanese RIMPAC participant Captain Yugi Nagata (Tadanobu Asano), Boatswain Mate Seaman Jimmy “Ordy” Ord (Jesse Plemons) – to try to save the world.
Forget training exercises. They have all set sail on the battle that will determine the fate of mankind as we know it.
THE TAKE: Now, there’s a lot – a LOT – that can be said about Battleship, a.k.a. the film that will likely be nominated for several Razzies when the next batch of nominations are announced. But before I bog you down with a detailed analysis of the film, I’m going to tell you the two ways in which I would describe the movie to anyone who truly cares about my opinion and in turn likely help you determine whether or not you wish to still see it.
Battleship can best be described – in terms I’m sure many others have or will have said come this weekend – as [1] Independence Day in the Pacific Ocean or, in a bit more graphic (but no less accurate sense) as a phallus in the form of big, testosterone-filled, nearly uncomfortable-in-its-patriotism boats in search of a orifice to penetrate repeatedly amid a cacophony of AC/DC-style rock songs and explosions.
Quite a description – I know, I wrote it – but that is Battleship in all of its director-Peter-Berg-does-Michael-Bay glory in a nutshell WITHOUT completely insulting your intelligence … And that last part is what salvages the film to a somewhat enjoyable level.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Battleship is NOT a quote-unquote good movie. Save for the impressive work real-life U.S. Army Colonel Gregory D. Gadson, a battalion leader who lost both legs in Iraq in 2007 making his acting debut as of Lt. Colonel Mick Canales, the acting in Battleship breaks down into one of two categories: [1] Passable/acceptable (Rihanna, Asano, Tui and to a lesser but still acceptable degree, Decker and Kitsch) and [2] Overtly strong-jawed boring or corny (everyone else).
Likewise, the been there, done that plot – aliens discover Earth, Earth gets attacked, humans discover a possible way to defeat them – has been done to death. In fact, I really can’t think of a compelling argument for anyone to see Battleship … Except one.
If you like mindless entertainment – or enjoy how ridiculous watching mindless something that is supposed to be entertaining as I did as long as it doesn’t cross the line into completely insanely stupid (or at least not for more than a few minutes) – Battleship is enjoyable.
If you expect anything more than what I described above, you’re either crazy or have unrealistic expectations. Then again, who’s to say it can’t be both.
PARTING SHOT: A film that might do for the Navy what Top Gun did for the Air Force, Battleship doesn’t sink … But it is as childish as the board game on which it is based.
RATING (OUT OF FOUR BUCKETS OF POPCORN):
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