MOVIE OF THE WEEK #3 (5/13/11): PRIEST

"Hang on … This train – like our movie – is gonna crash and burn!" Lily Collins tries to hang on as Paul Bettany attempts to save her as is his calling as the titular character in PRIEST.
Credit: Scott Garfield © 2011 Screen Gems. All Rights Reserved.

KEY CAST MEMBERS: Paul Bettany, Cam Gigandet, Maggie Q, Lily Adams, Karl Urban and Christopher Plummer

WRITER: Cory Goodman (screenplay); Min-Woo Hyung (graphic novel series)

DIRECTOR: Scott Stewart

WEB SITE: www.priest-themovie.com

THE PLOT: Yet another post-apocalyptic movie set in a world where humans and vampires have been at war for centuries, Priest stars Paul Bettany in the title role as a warrior forced into retirement. You see, as history in this world would have it, there was a great war. That war saw Bettany’s character, a warrior priestess (Maggie Q) and others like them called in by the church to battle and ultimately defeat the vampires. With the vampires now living on reservations after being defeated and the church running the cities in a V for Vendetta like police state, there is no need for the priest warriors any more, leaving them in exile.

That all changes, however, once a young woman (Lily Adams) – who just happens to be a relative of the title character and girlfriend of a sheriff (Cam Gigadnet) in the wastelands where she lives – goes missing. Unsuccessful in convincing the church – run now by the monsignor (Christopher Plummer) – that the vampires are up to something, the priest breaks his vow of “Going against the church is to go against God” to save his young relative.

And may God have mercy on the souls of all those who attempt to stand in his way … Even if that means going to battle with a man (Karl Urban) who knows him on a very personal level.

THE TAKE: Last week, I was rather hard on Thor. Well, it turns out I owe Marvel’s mighty hammer-swinging superhero an apology. For Priest is so horrific, it’s like having a a nun rapt you across the knuckles. Repeatedly. For 87 minutes.

I don’t know what’s happened to Paul Bettany … But whatever it is that is leading him to choose the roles he is choosing beginning with The Da Vinci Code and recently including flicks like Legion and The Tourist, it needs to stop. Then again, when you have an actor perform as lackluster as Bettany – which can be described as “Dirty” Harry Callahan’s snarl meets Rambo’s one liners – turns in as the title character in Priest, it has to be some of his own fault, too. The performance is straight low budget 80s action hero minus any of the 80s charm.

Likewise, I have officially come to a similar conclusion about young Cam Gigandet. For if I see his name in a movie’s billing, my enthusiasm instantly decreases by a minimum of 50 percent. With the exception of Easy A, the young man’s IMDB page isn’t exactly filled with good movies. You can clearly tell he’s trying to be … Something … But you can always tell that’s he’s trying just a little too hard. And what about Karl Urban and Plummer’s performances, you ask? The less that’s said about those, the better … At least Maggie Q broke up the monotony. Adams doesn’t have much to do in the film other than scream and be scared.

The acting – while a problem – isn’t the biggest problem in Priest. No, those dishonors also get shared with the pitifully predictable screenplay written by Cory Goodman and the wannabe Matrix, never compelling camera work of director Scott Stewart (who should have considered pulling an Alan Smithee). From the over the top, screaming Clash of the Titans vampire creatures (which falls on the film’s special effects team) to the abuse of the “desolate” landscape, nothing about Priest offers anything than hasn’t been done to death.

Let me be blunt: The dialogue’s bad, the character development is bad, the pacing’s bad (even at less than 90 minutes), the action sequences are bad and the story is as predictable as all get out … You don’t care about the characters, you barely care about the story and the movie as a whole, if you haven’t picked up on it, is just bad.

PARTING SHOT: If you decide to see Priest, have someone provide the last rites to your money … Because it – like this movie – is dead with no hope of resurrection.

RATING (OUT OF FOUR POSSIBLE BUCKETS OF POPCORN):