MOVIE OF THE WEEK #2: SECRETARIAT


"You could have been a champion ... But this film is pure glue!" Penny Chenery (Diane Lane), handler Eddie Sweat (Nelsan Ellis), jockey Ron Turcotte (Otto Thorwarth) and Lucien Laurin (John Malkovich) pose for the camera after celebrating the victory that solidified the legend of SECRETARIAT.

Credit: © 2010 Walt Disney Pictures


KEY CAST MEMBERS: Diane Lane, John Malkovich, Dylan Walsh, Scott Glenn, Dylan Baker, Margo Martindale, Nelsan Ellis, Otto Thorwarth, Fred Thompson, AJ Michalka, Kevin Connolly, Eric Lange and James Cromwell

WRITER: Mike Rich

DIRECTOR: Randall Wallace

WEB SITE: http://disney.go.com/secretariat

THE PLOT: Inspired by the "impossible" (as Disney puts it) true story of the horse of the same name, Secretariat stars Diane Lane as Penny Chenery. A housewife living with her husband Jack (Dylan Walsh) and children Kate (Amanda Michalka), Sarah (Carissa Capobianco) and young Chris (Sean Michael Cunningham) in Colorado, Penny unexpectedly finds herself in Virginia once her father falls ill.

Finding Meadow Stables, the family horse farm in disarray once she gets there, Penny begins to split time between her the two states try and sort things out. While her husband and her brother (Dylan Baker) would like her to sell it ASAP, Penny begins to take a vested interest in restoring it to glory by entering the world of horse racing.

And then she comes across the horse that she believes could be the key to doing just that: Secretariat. (It's not like they were gonna call it "Penny and the Magical Horse.")

Now, she's not going to the top alone, however. No, for that she's going to need a good handler like Eddie Sweat (Nelsan Ellis), a good jockey like Ron Turcotte (Otto Thorwarth) and a hungry (if not reluctant) trainer looking to prove worth like his Lucien Laurin (John Malkovich). The "sport of kings" is a man's world; for every helping hand like Bull Hancock (former senator and 2008 presidential hopeful Fred Thompson), there are others like Ogden Phipps (James Cromwell) and blowhard Pancho Martin (Nestor Serrano) who aren't so sure Penny knows what she's doing.

But as long as she has her equine soulmate at her side, Penny is ready to prove them all wrong ...

THE TAKE: If you recall the 2009 year in movies, there was a film called The Blind Side that was also inspired on a true story. Like Secretariat, that film centered around a woman helping an unlikely athlete (although in The Blind Side's case, it was a human being the Cincinnati Bengals maybe should have drafted instead of Andre Smith, but that's another story altogether ...) and her inspired journey to the top. That, sadly, is where the similarity between the two movies ends. For while The Blind Side< was more accurate that not, funny, heartfelt and most importantly, fun and intriguing in a manner that made you want to watch it.

Secretariat is none of these things. It's pure, uninspired, sappy, "please-give-us-an-Oscar" crapola.

If you are the type that watched trailers for movies like Love Happens, Couples Retreat, You Again Killers and/or just about anything Katherine Heigl has done since Knocked Up and thought to yourself "Wow - I can't wait to see it!," you'll likely enjoy Secretariat. It's a feel-good story (The moral: Women can do anything if they put their mind to it), big-ish name stars and looks nice ... But that's about it. The acting is cheesy with a capital "C" at many times (except Cromwell and Thompson ... They couldn't be cheesy if they actually tried) and the film plods for its entire 2 hour screentime. And of course, pretty much every male character minus Bull Hancock and Eddie Sweat (a character best described as "generic happy black person") is a jerk for jerk's sake. While Lane can try her best to imitate Bullock all she wants, her imitation is nothing more than a lame form of flattery more often than it is not.

While you know it's based on a true story, there is so much foreshadowing of what will happen next in every moment of the film that you never suspend your disbelief in regards to the potential outcome.

PARTING SHOT: If horses that fail to win really are turned into glue, Secretariat should make enough of the sticky white stuff to stock an Office Depot right through Oscar season.

RATING (OUT OF FOUR POSSIBLE BUCKETS OF POPCORN):

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